My Superhero Team: SLANGG
By Hollyanna McCollom
The Stalwart League of Advocates for Notoriously Good Grammar (SLANGG)
The Alter Egos Society is getting ready for the epic battle between good and evil that erupts every year in downtown Portland. Each year, I contemplate getting a grammar team together, but it seems we're always too busy with our novels, screenplays, and red pens to make it out. Maybe this year, gang? I’ve got some great heroes and villains in mind.
THE HEROES
Captain Hyperbole, Symbol: ∞ Captain Hyperbole is the best thing ever! The Captain tends to exaggerate to make his point, but that’s only because you’re stupider than a banana in the refrigerator.
Dr. Interrogative, Symbol: ? You’ll never get an answer out of this guy, but he’ll sure get you to talk.
Editrix the Enforcer, Symbol: [sic] Editrix is committed to the powers of Good Grammar. Under her watchful eye, no comma splice shall go unpunctuated and no dangling participle shall be left…um…dangled. She fights for clarity, communication, and the protection of the English language. She is armed, as always, with the Red Pen of Justice.
The Exclaiminator, Symbol:⚠ Shouts everything! Uses superlative exclamation points!!!!! Also frequently uses the words, “Wow!” “Hey!” and “Yipee!”
Semantics Man Symbol:☝ Semantics man is a master of meaning. He can always tell when your body language belies your words and will respond with his battle cry, “That doesn’t wash!” Semantics Man has been known to dismantle his enemies until even they don’t know what they are trying to say.
The Screaming Flag, Symbol :-O Ok, so the Flag doesn’t actually save the day himself, but he’s REALLY good at calling our heroes’ attention to the problems at hand. (i.e. “Hey, guys!! GUYS! These girls just used a dangling participle! Over here! Get ‘em!”
THE VILLAINS
The Euphemism Kid, Symbol: #@%! Be careful what you say around The Kid. He can turn anything, even the bible into something so dirty, your ears will catch syphilis.
The Invincible Run-On Symbol: R-O Nicknamed “Runny”, this guy is known for his stamina. Long after the heroes have run out of breath, Runny is still blathering on about his evil plan to destroy all periods, commas, and semi-colons.
The Notorious Confusable, Symbol: ⇄ Their not sure what this affect this guy has on people, but its evident that he can (at the very least) prevent people from getting jobs and bank loans. Nonetheless, he seems to illicit a response that leaves the reader with a fowl taste in his or her mouth. In the passed, it was believed that he possessed the power to control minds, now there beginning to think its something else.
The STET Avenger, Symbol: [STET] A nemesis of Editrix, the STET Avenger devotes his time to undoing all her good work, insisting that when it comes to grammatical travesties we should “let it stand.”
Captain Cliche, Symbol: I ♥ Originality This guy hasn’t made an original declaration since he was in diapers (and even then it was just, “Gurgle, Goo!”)
The Unspeakable Ellipses, Symbol: … Ellipses’ loves suspense and he is not afraid to use it. To torture his prey he will tell them a story and trail off at inappropriate moments, leaving them to…
THE NEUTRALS
The Iron Interrobang, Symbol:‽ Long thought to be dead, this hero rides the line between good and evil blending the two sides with a simple cry of “WTF!?” The Iron Interrobang has little patience for the youth of today and constantly and excitedly expresses disbelief over the things they say and do. Be careful: He is known to ask a lot of rhetorical questions.
Asterisks the Elucidator, Symbol: * Known for her powers of distraction, Asterisks can derail even the most well-intentioned sentence.
